All couples argue and disagree. Yes, healthy happy couples too. What differentiates the happy couples from the unhappy couples is the way they argue. Most couples are arguing about the same things the couple across the street are arguing about; finances, the kids, house chores, etc. Problems arise when we begin to treat each other poorly during these arguments.
Dr. John Gottman is a famous researcher who began to study couples over 30 years ago. He studied couples in his "Love Lab" where he hooked them up to equipment reading their physiology and video taped them as they talk to one another. He analyzed thousands of couples in this way. He coded facial expressions, verbal language, body language, heart rate, and skin conductivity. After extensive research, he was able to come to some extremely interesting conclusions and theories. The glory of his ongoing research, that still continues after 35 years, is he is able to follow up with these couples to find out if their marriage failed or succeeded. This gives his theory so much credibility! His claim to fame is that he is able to listen to a couple speak to each other for 15 minutes and know if their marriage will succeed or fail. Eek! Kind of makes you want to see if he is sitting next to your table at dinner tonight. It's not surprising he was voted one of the top ten most influential psychotherapists of the past quarter-century by Psychotherapy Networker.
Gottman determined that there were four styles of communication he saw persistently in unhealthy marriages that usually ended in divorce. He named these, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Below is a video that gives an explanation and an example of real couples from his love labs. Each of the four styles will be covered. It is important to note that all couples engage in this type of communication and behavior at some point or another. However, the couples who habitually treat one another in this way could be on their way to divorce.
Once again, many happy healthy couples engage in this behavior at times. How often this sort of communication is happening is the key. Gottman found that contempt was the most dangerous of the four to have in a marriage. If this behavior was consistent and the person failed to change this behavior, the marriage almost always failed. Contempt seems to look very much like criticism. The difference is contempt has an underlying motive of wanting the other person to feel inferior to you and also having a complete lack of respect for them. Contempt forms a hierarchy in a marriage, putting one person above the other. Contempt is also very prominent in verbally and/or physically abusive relationships. Not to say that all couples who experience contempt in their relationship also experience abuse.
A huge non-verbal sign of contempt that Gottman found is...eye-rolling. Yup, that's right. Think of that next time you roll them back there. Let's face it, when we do that, we are pretty much saying "I'm strongly judging something you are doing as stupid". An article in healthnewsdigest.com calls eye rolling "the kiss of death to a relationship".
If you are guilty of having some of the Four Horsmen of the Apocalypse over for dinner almost every night, there is still hope for your relationship to succeed. Please do not assume that your relationship is doomed. These four behaviors can be changed when you become aware of them and make an effort to change your style of communication. You have the control over your own behaviors. The effort will have to be conscious and deliberate on a daily basis until it becomes natural. It can be very difficult to alter your communication style, especially if you feel incredibly disconnected or hurt in your relationship. If you feel you or your spouse are beyond changing these behaviors you may want to consider couples counseling.
Here is an article that has some helpful tips on how to alter the way you and your partner or spouse interact in order to have a long-lasting and happy relationship.
More on Gottman to come...
What's something you do in your relationship that seems to help when you are having a disagreement ?
Love Dr. Gottman's work! Love the "This American Life" episode on his research too!
ReplyDeleteI find it helps to listen to your partner and sometimes even repeat what you heard them say back to them to ensure you are understanding each other as clearly as possible. Also, being clear about the emotions you are feeling and then determining why you are feeling them works well. Often you are feeling something that stems from something that has nothing to do with your partner or the argument (this means you need a therapist... please contact Andrea K. Baum, Ed. LPC-intern 214-369-8717).
Of course most of the time I prefer a good long eye roll.... it is hardly appreciated by the mister.
This is so true. I think forgiving someone is a major part of all this. How can you forgive someone that has really hurt you? I feel like that's telling the other person that what they did was ok.
ReplyDeleteAfter an argument, my bf and I always make sure we tell each other that we are sorry. It really helps us both to move on from it. Sometimes if I just don't want to fight anymore, I tell him I'm sorry, even when I am not. I just want him to stop screaming at me. Then I harbor resentment for a few hours until I eventually just forget about it. Is this wrong?
ReplyDeleteYes! forgiveness is a big part of all of this! Gottman's findings showed that forgiveness and acceptance is an important factor in overall happiness in a marriage. I will post more about this soon! look for a post about "emotional bank accounts" soon!
ReplyDeleteNo, it's not wrong that you harbor resentment, that can be a very normal feeling if you feel you have apologized just to calm the storm. It might be helpful to talk to him about all of this in a calm way. You know him best, try to think of how you could approach this issue when you are both not angry with one another.