How are you?

 

 Many of us struggle with various issues from time to time.  Sometimes we wonder if our problems are interfering with our lives to the point that we need help. It can be hard to gauge whether our issues are to the point that we are unable to help ourselves.  Emotional and behavioral problems can seem small in the beginning and before you know it they have escalated into major problems that can seem uncontrollable.  Therapy can be a great way to help prevent an issue from taking over your life or help you to find control and happiness in your life.   

How do you know if you need therapy though?  If you are even thinking that you need help, now is a good time.  When we avoid issues and push them down, they can explode and effect you in a number of ways later in life.  If we avoid, avoid, avoid...we can find ourselves with a serious psychological problem one day.  Some believe that mental disorders can be genetic.  How do you know if you have a psychological problem or if you are well on your way to severely struggling with one?  Well, PsychologyToday.com has recently developed an informative assessment to help you figure that out! You can find it here.  The test will let you know if you fall into any of the mental health diagnosis categories.  If you do, it is important to seek help and have a therapist explain your results from your test.  Chances are, you are struggling with an issue and seeing a therapist could help you tremendously.   PsychologyToday.com is also a helpful site to search through profiles of psychotherapists in your area and find the right match for your specific needs!

Is there a problem you are dealing with  that has already effected you in several areas of your life? 

P.S. The above assessment will also tell you if you have a few symptoms of a mental disorder.  Do not let this scare you into thinking you have a disorder.  We can all have of a symptom here and there of  various diagnoses.   This does not mean we actually have that disorder.  You have to have a certain number of the symptoms to fall under the diagnosis.  And REMEMBER these are just labels that man created by forming words and grouping symptoms together.  You are not controlled by these labels, you are able to seek help and be a happier and healthier individual. 

Her stroke of insight.

Have you ever wondered what it would feel like if you had a stroke? Or do you ever wonder what someone else is going through who has had a stroke? Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain researcher gives us a good idea in her book, My Stroke of Insight. Not only is she an expert in the field of neuroanatomy, she also experienced a severe hemorrhagic stroke. In her book, she recounts the events leading up to her stroke, detailed memories as the stroke occurred, and the eight years of recovery afterward. Before she had the stroke she had done extensive brain research for a number of years. As a result, the way she perceived and described her experience is unique to most. Below is a famous video of Dr. Taylor telling part of her incredible story:

Interested in meeting her in person? Dr. Taylor may be speaking in a city near you.

Are you more right-brained or left-brained? Could you try to consciously use the other side for an entire day?

Death Anxiety

A great psychiatrist known as Yalom developed a model of psychotherapy based on Existentialism.  Yalom believes that we all have death anxiety, whether we realize it or not, we are constantly dealing with this in our subconscious.  We are all striving to have a meaningful life before we die. Thus, all of our anxiety and negative emotions come from our pressure to live a fulfilled life.  Our defense mechanisms we have to protect ourselves emotionally stem from death anxiety.  At some point in one's life, the thought of his/her own death will cause great anxiety.  It can be incredibly scary to think about your own death even for a few moments. Yalom also believes that it is not until we process what death is and accept it, that we are able to actually live happy, meaningful lives. The more we deny and ignore the thought of death, the more death anxiety we have, and the more we lead meaningless isolated lives.   Death is an inevitable part of our existence that if we refuse to accept and face during our time on Earth, we may have wasted much of our life being unhappy and failing to allow ourselves to find true meaning in life.  A good way to process death is to become more self-aware through journaling, reading, and/or therapy.

Mitch Albom wrote a great non-fiction novel, Tuesdays with Morrie.  Many of you are probably familiar with the book.  This true story is about a reporter, Mitch Albom, meeting and talking with his former professor, Morrie Schwartz, every Tuesday in the last part of Morrie's life.  Morrie had ALS (also referred to as Lou Gehrig's disease) , a terminal disease that progressively degenerates all the neurons in the body until death.

 Morrie had accepted death and was living an incredibly meaningful and happy life. He discusses how he was able to reach such content and meaning and teaches valuable life-lessons throughout the book.

Below is an extraordinary interview with Morrie.  Fast forward to 4:25 to hear Morrie talk about important life lessons.

You can watch the entire interview here.

What's something you do in your life to have meaning?

P.S.  I changed the settings and you can now leave a comment anonymously! I encourage you to answer my end of post questions!

Many Myths=Scary

Have you been wanting to seek therapy but have been hesitant to make the first step?  There are a lot of misconceptions out there about what counseling is exactly.  The way the media represents therapy in movies and television is usually very far from the reality of what therapy actually is.   Below you will find a list of myths and reality of therapy.  

Myth #1: Counseling is only for crazy people

Reality: Many people who attend counseling are bright, skilled, and stable people. These individuals are often struggling with problems in a specific area and seeking personal growth and development. Stressors and difficulties are a part of life for all people. Many argue that the ability to ask for and accept counseling help represents clear evidence of intelligence and sanity.

Myth #2: Counseling is only for problems that are severe 

Reality: Most individuals seek counseling for everyday issues like relationship problems, stress, and symptoms of depression. It is true that counseling can be helpful for individuals suffering from severe problems. However, seeking counseling for problems at this level does not represent the majority of clients in counseling. Additionally, attending counseling when problems are mild to moderate can prevent problems from becoming severe.

Myth #3 A counselor does not know me and can’t help me 

Reality: Actually, this is one of the most important reasons why counseling can be successful. Since a counselor is not a part of your day to day life, they are capable of being more impartial with less bias. Oftentimes, family and friends tell you what you should do. Counseling involves a unique relationship where you are encouraged and challenged to find the answers that are right for your life.  

Myth #4: Counselors just sit there, nod, and stay silent 

Reality: Many stereotypes and depictions of counselors in movies have led to their image being "touchy-feely", reading your mind, detached, or ineffective. Most counselors today are active and engaged, using questions, reactions, and interventions to help you move towards your goals. It will be important to consider how active you want your counselor to be and inquire about this when working to find a counselor that is right for you.

Myth #5: Counseling takes forever

Reality: The length of counseling depends on the client’s goals, motivation, and the severity of the problems brought into counseling. However, most counseling is short-term, generally lasting between eight and fifteen sessions. Good counselors are invested in helping you meet your goals so you can successfully operate independent of counseling.

Myth #6: Everyone will know I'm seeing a counselor 

Reality:  Counselors our bound by professional ethics and state law to protect your confidentiality and privacy both during counseling and after counseling ends. Only in extreme cases where someone is in imminent danger or a judge mandates release of counseling records can confidentiality be broken. Outside of these circumstances, information can only be shared if you share it or you provide writing authorization for releasing information. A good counselor will explain confidentiality to you at the beginning of counseling.

Myth #7:Couples counseling always makes one person the villain

Reality: Good couples counselors focus on the relationship. While it will be important to gather information from each member of the couple, the purpose is to facilitate relationship change. As a result, each member will look at their role in the current state of the relationship. Rather than labeling someone the villain, the couple’s counselor will encourage both members to make changes leading to improvements in the relationship.

Myth #8: You have to be near a divorce to qualify from marriage counseling 

Reality: Marriage counseling can be beneficial for couples who suffer from mild, moderate, or severe problems or couples who just want to attain greater marital happiness and satisfaction. Many married couples avoid counseling until a divorce seems imminent. Counseling does not guarantee that a divorce will not happen, but it can guide you toward the best decision for the relationship.

Myth #9: Couples problems can only be examined in couples counseling

Reality: While it is ideal to work on couples issues as a couple, various approaches exist. Some couples counselors see members of the couple individually for 1-2 sessions to augment couples counseling. Sometimes, members of a couple benefit from attending individual counseling as well to supplement couples counseling progress. In each case, the ultimate goal is to improve the couple’s relationship system and couples counseling remains a good option in many cases.

Myth #10: Counseling will change who I am forever 

Reality: Counseling will not require you to make changes you do not like, that you are not ready for, or that go against your beliefs and values. Counseling is designed to facilitate positive change. It is important to keep in mind that you are in charge of the change that you make. If you are unhappy with the changes that are happening, tell your counselor. Counselors want to help you change in the ways that feel beneficial to your life.

Information gathered from:

Rich, H. & Laks Kravits, H. (2001). The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Perfect Marriage. Penguin Group: New York.

Santa Clara Valley Chapter California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. Marriage and Family Therapy Top 15 Myths about Therapy “What You Don’t Know Could Hurt You…”

Karen Israel, M.Ed., LPC, BCPC, a local Plano psychotherapist, also writes about the Myths and Truths of Your First Session. 

An interesting theory:  It was said that Sigmund Freud had his patients lie on a couch during therapy because he was uncomfortable making eye contact with people.  

By the way, most psychotherapists and psychologists have you sitting in a chair face-to-face during therapy.  

What's keeping you from starting therapy?

I think I can, I think I can.

Psychologists have found that we have 60,000 thoughts per day. Geez! These thoughts make up everything we believe about ourselves, others, and the world around us. They are in charge of all the decisions we make....and the ones we never make. Our thoughts control everything about us!

They even control all of our emotions. Think about it. (heh) Our thoughts come before our emotions. We tell ourselves something, we believe it to be true, and then we react with an emotion. For example, what are you thinking right before you become anxious? Maybe "I am going to fail at this" or "What if this plane crashes". The thought enters our mind and then bam, we react with anxiety, fear, heart racing, palms sweating and our stomach in knots. We convince ourselves of something, a belief we created about ourselves or the world. All this convincing gets in the way of our life sometimes. We might be scared to take certain chances or have poor self-image. Whatever it may be, most of the negativity in our life is created by our own thoughts.

So, does that mean if I can convince myself into negativity with my thoughts, I can also convince myself that I am a wonderful, great, beautiful, successful, smart, SUPERMAN THAT CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING I WANT IN LIFE!?!?!!? yup.

Ok, this is getting exciting now. Are you getting excited? Oh, you're not? Well, why don't you think that this is exciting and then it will be ;) We have CONTROL over our own thoughts, and we can change them at any moment! We just need to become more aware of what these thoughts are. It is hard, there are 60,000 a day, but the good thing is we are the ones creating them.

Positive daily affirmations can be very effective. Even if you do not believe them to be true, after repeating them on a daily basis you will be able to begin to believe them as true. We want to be happy and healthy people enjoying this one life. Affirmations are a great first step to achieving a happier life. A good way to find the right affirmation for yourself, is to think about some negative beliefs you have about yourself or others and change those to be the opposite. Another helpful affirmation is an overall positive affirmation about yourself. Replace those negative thoughts with positive ones, each time the negative thought arises.

Dr. Athena Staik wrote a wonderful article about daily affirmations and included these 10 affirmations:

1. I am willing to think thoughts that enrich my life and relationships.
2. I love and accept every aspect of myself and my life – just as I am.
3. I consciously choose what is good for my mind, body and spirit.
4. I consistently act to cultivate healthy, mutually enriching relationships with those I love.
5. I have the power and wisdom and strength to handle all situations in my life.
6. I allow and welcome change, new understanding and growth when I face challenges.
7. I let go of blame and speak my truth authentically — without judging my self or others.
8. I am focused on what is good, wonderful in my life.
9. I seek to honestly assess areas of needed growth, and rise above problems by framing them as solutions.
10. I allow myself to feel boundless joy now.

And if you don't want to do any of those, you may want to do some of these:

What will your positive affirmation be for today?

argue fashionably.

All couples argue and disagree. Yes, healthy happy couples too. What differentiates the happy couples from the unhappy couples is the way they argue. Most couples are arguing about the same things the couple across the street are arguing about; finances, the kids, house chores, etc. Problems arise when we begin to treat each other poorly during these arguments.

Dr. John Gottman is a famous researcher who began to study couples over 30 years ago. He studied couples in his "Love Lab" where he hooked them up to equipment reading their physiology and video taped them as they talk to one another. He analyzed thousands of couples in this way. He coded facial expressions, verbal language, body language, heart rate, and skin conductivity. After extensive research, he was able to come to some extremely interesting conclusions and theories. The glory of his ongoing research, that still continues after 35 years, is he is able to follow up with these couples to find out if their marriage failed or succeeded. This gives his theory so much credibility! His claim to fame is that he is able to listen to a couple speak to each other for 15 minutes and know if their marriage will succeed or fail. Eek! Kind of makes you want to see if he is sitting next to your table at dinner tonight. It's not surprising he was voted one of the top ten most influential psychotherapists of the past quarter-century by Psychotherapy Networker.

Gottman determined that there were four styles of communication he saw persistently in unhealthy marriages that usually ended in divorce. He named these, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Below is a video that gives an explanation and an example of real couples from his love labs. Each of the four styles will be covered. It is important to note that all couples engage in this type of communication and behavior at some point or another. However, the couples who habitually treat one another in this way could be on their way to divorce.

Once again, many happy healthy couples engage in this behavior at times. How often this sort of communication is happening is the key. Gottman found that contempt was the most dangerous of the four to have in a marriage. If this behavior was consistent and the person failed to change this behavior, the marriage almost always failed. Contempt seems to look very much like criticism. The difference is contempt has an underlying motive of wanting the other person to feel inferior to you and also having a complete lack of respect for them. Contempt forms a hierarchy in a marriage, putting one person above the other. Contempt is also very prominent in verbally and/or physically abusive relationships. Not to say that all couples who experience contempt in their relationship also experience abuse.

A huge non-verbal sign of contempt that Gottman found is...eye-rolling. Yup, that's right. Think of that next time you roll them back there. Let's face it, when we do that, we are pretty much saying "I'm strongly judging something you are doing as stupid". An article in healthnewsdigest.com calls eye rolling "the kiss of death to a relationship".

If you are guilty of having some of the Four Horsmen of the Apocalypse over for dinner almost every night, there is still hope for your relationship to succeed. Please do not assume that your relationship is doomed. These four behaviors can be changed when you become aware of them and make an effort to change your style of communication. You have the control over your own behaviors. The effort will have to be conscious and deliberate on a daily basis until it becomes natural. It can be very difficult to alter your communication style, especially if you feel incredibly disconnected or hurt in your relationship. If you feel you or your spouse are beyond changing these behaviors you may want to consider couples counseling.

Here is an article that has some helpful tips on how to alter the way you and your partner or spouse interact in order to have a long-lasting and happy relationship.

More on Gottman to come...

What's something you do in your relationship that seems to help when you are having a disagreement ?

So many friends...so MUCH time...

So, we have all heard people talking about how facebook keeps us connected but at the same time it furthers us physically from one another. We have less physical and verbal contact with people like we used to. Really...do we need to go see Susie's new baby in person, we saw lots and lots of pictures of her on facebook! AND, I can watch her grow for the next 18 years and never really meet her. What does all of this really mean? Why are we all so obsessed with this site and why is it making us connected and isolated all at the same time?

A brilliant psychotherapist named Alfred Adler came up with a theory called Individual Psychology. He actually worked closely with Freud for much of his career. Too bad he is not still alive, because Adler would have loved to witness the world of facebook.com. He believed that healthy people have "social interest". This means we strive for belonging in a community. We want to feel connected to others and this helps us to protect ourselves from feelings of inferiority. The more connected we are to others, well, the more superior we feel. And that feels gooooood. He also believed that social interest is manifested through how we view ourselves in relation to the external world. What better way to compare our lives to others than facebook!? Of course we are LOVING this! Wait. But Adler also said that if we do not have social interest we can become too self-involved and isolate ourselves from the world. Facebook-- self-involved? YES! Feelings of inferiority arise as we begin to consciously or subconsciously compare our lives to others. So, we are trying to become connected to others, while isolating ourselves from real physical connections, and being incredibly self-involved. It's only natural, people. It's our human nature. Technology has found a way to completely take advantage of our weaknesses and our strengths all at the same time. (oh, and thanks for reading my blog :)

With that said, there is a lot of talk today about "facebook depression" Some people believe it's an issue. Some people do not. What do you think about it?